There's a place where you don't wanna be
Where people die constantly
And they never die in normal ways
It's preposterous but still cliché

When your drug dealer's aunt kills your mom in a duel
By chopping off her head with a scythe in a pool
Well they're not saying it makes sense
They're just interpreting the evidence

This is the plot to every television crime show
From CSI to Columbo and I think you know what's in store
The guy we met in the first fifteen minutes
Will come back because you know he did it
They're not even trying anymore
And I'm getting bored

There was semen all over the crime scene
So they use the super-fancy semen testing machine
And the DNA database gets a hit
But it looks like he might still get away with it

But the final piece of evidence
Totally stumps the bad guy's defense
And he breaks down in front of everyone
And tells them exactly how it was done

This is the plot to every television crime show
From CSI to Columbo and I think you know what's in store
The guy we met in the first fifteen minutes
Will come back because you know he did it
They're not even trying anymore
And I'm getting bored

By the middle of the first season
Murder is eclipsed by sexual tension
And I guess that probably happens a lot
Since crime-solving people are always so hot

But then a serial killer kidnaps the girl
And they promise to save her if it costs them the world
And they find her two seconds before she dies
And they hug and they laugh and they screw and they cry

This is the plot to every television crime show
From CSI to Columbo and I think you know what's in store
The guy we met in the first fifteen minutes
Will come back because you know he did it
They're not even trying anymore
And I'm getting bored